Honoring the “ME” in “hoMEschool”

In response to my post on “Empowered Homeschooling,” Kim asked”

I would like to hear more about ways in which you foster your individuality while homeschooling a family, since this is a challenge we all face I’m sure. Time is short in some respects. I sneak out of bed in the am to blog, write, stretch, think. But it seems no matter how early I get up, they usually find me!

I often hear mothers, and especially homeschooling mothers list this as the most difficult part of our journey. All their waking hours seem to be spent caring for the children, their husbands, their homes. Of course, they also usually end up the ones to volunteer and chauffer and coach and lead and shop. They complain they never have time for themselves.

I will caution all you supermoms out there to take a deep breath and open your minds before you read the rest of this post. Give the thoughts a chance to sink in before you throw up walls.

No one will value your time if you do not do it first.

Think about that statement long and hard. Ultimately, we are often the ones who act as our own worst enemies in this matter. We are fully aware that there are only seven days in a week and only twenty four hours in a day. So why do we consistently create such overflowing schedules for ourselves?

There are many factors at work here, and identifying some of them may help you in finding time for “me” while hoMEschooling. Women, and their needs, are generally relegated to secondary status in the family. This is not some feminist angst, but a matter-of-fact statement. Think about how readily we accept that our husbands may head off on a business trip, and how little effect that has on the day-to-day functioning of the family.

Turn the tables and think about how much planning needs to occur for you to just get a weekend away. I need to food shop, prepare some meals, make a zillion lists (just in case) , arrange rides for the kids before I can even think about packing. There is no simple “pick up and go” for most moms.

I actually have no problem with this arrangement in our family, because we have consciously made the division. My husband has ten times the earning potential that I do right now. He can work one Saturday of overtime and earn the same as I could working 35 hours a week all month long. It is more practical for me to be in charge of the home and all those issues, especially while I am homeschooling the kids.

However, the problem with this arrangment is when the role of caretaker is ASSUMED, along with a lot of presumptions. These presumptions include the role of planner and chauffer for the children. None of us are walking around sporting a name tag stating “I’m Julie McCoy, Cruise Director.” Yet somehow most women have allowed themselves to fall into that role.

Children certainly deserve and need activities outside the home. The question one needs to ask themselves is “how much is too much?” A weekly music or art lesson may take only a half hour, but there is also the forty minutes of transportation to and from. Scouting is an excellent activity, but weekly meetings plus special activities and transportation start adding up quickly.. Consider sports teams….forget about it. Your pleasant life of evening dinners at 6pm and conversation around the table each night is gone for months as you easily clock in 12-20 hours of practices and games a week. For those involved in the church and youth activities, add another five or more hours. Now, multiply this time the number of children in your family and wonder why your head isn’t spinning?

Do you see what is happening here? Each of these activites can be very positive and fun and even educational, but ALL of them at the same time is not healthy for the caretaker. Nor is doing all of them at the same time necessary. But unless you value yourself and your time and ask your children to make choices occasionally, you will remain on that treadmill. You are the one ultimately signing them up and writing the check for each and every activity that keep you hopping.

I have always had a family rule of no more than two activities at a time….period. There is nothing to be gained by being so overscheduled. By maintaining this rule, we are able to take advantage of amazing one day events like maple sugaring or frog slogging or just fishing. I am free to go visit a friend or take a class that interests me, just as my husband can golf or hunt when he pleases. We are not prisoners to our schedules.

We are very wary of anything that requires a year-long commitment. We focus on seasonal or session type activities, because it allows them to experience a variety. They have input and choose. But more than anything else, they have grown up learning that they cannot have everything all the time. They value MY role and MY time because I have taught them this!

Another presumption about homeschooling mothers is that you need to entertain them within the home as well. Now, I admit that this is true with children under five. But even as young as four, I remember having my children give me a half hour of quiet time. They would rest, listen to audio books, or even watch a short “LIttle Bear” video. I explained that I needed a little time for me, so that I could be a better Mommy. Because I claimed it as truth, they listened, and it was my saving grace during those years.

When older kids are entertainment-dependent on their parents, I challenge the caretaker to introduce the concept of “productive free time.” What happened to kids who used to lay on their back in the yard, naming the shapes in the clouds? What happened to building forts under tables with a blanket and making mud pies?

This is one way in which I feel many parents are missing hte point that our parent’s generation understood well. Play is a child’s development. It is how they figure stuff out and learn about themselves and others. It is necessary for growth, and essential for mental health.

I see three trends that are taking this away from kids. Many parents fall into that overscheduling trap and their kids are so busy being schlepped from place to place that they never have time to learn how to play. Many have been lulled into the trap of incessant video gaming, which without moderation is nothing short of mindless and counter-productive to health.

The most common among homeschoolers, is that we “overparent” their play. I am not talking about glancing out the window to make sure they are not endangering themselves. But we can often try teaching them how to play,too.

We give them an idea. We get them the tools. We give them the rules. We show them how to do it. We do it with them.
What we have done, in fact, is made play another subject in our homeschool.

YOu really want some time to yourself? Turn off the televisions and computers and tell the kids to go outside. Make sure there are lots of balls and blankets and books around. Build a sandbox and hook up a hose. Have baskets full of nature study materials and art supplies for them to grab. Then send them out and let them figure it out on their own.

There are days here when I have SO much time to myself that I can read entire novels, sew or knit for hours without even hearing from my kids but when they are thirsty or running in for the necessary tools for their next idea. When they were early elementary aged, I peeked out hte windows and made trips out with freeze pops. Scout would be shooting baskets or hammering away with the wood scraps. Girlie might be helping him, or burying plastic animals and attacking army men in the sand (the animals always won!) They would drape blankets over the hammock and lay under it and read. They built forts out of cardboard. They painted the slide with watercolors. They filled water balloons and soaked each other. They PLAYED!!!

I often wonder why parents so often forget how important the skill of entertaining oneself is to our happiness. I love that, for the most part, my kids are quite good at it. Now that they are older especially, I can really relax as they have a lot of common sense and happily use it.

The best part of this is that they are not so dependent on me all the time. This is the ultimate goal, is it not?

Speaking of “me” time, I need to take some for about a week. THe garden need attention, and we have a lot of big projects in the works. I won’t be posting much, but will be back after our school term is over! (can you picture me dancing in circles?