The Selfish Homeschooler

Apparently the honesty of my post yesterday ruffled a few feathers. Thanks to all those who left comments, as they are I do read take each and weigh it. I received some lovely emails of support from friends who know me and my commitment to my kids, and realize that this is a true stuggle based in only wanting the best for my son. But then I got one from an anonymous source that flamed me, paragraph after paragraph. This person labeled me as a “selfish homeschooler.”

Wow, if that isn’t an oxymoron? “Selfish” and “homeschooler” don’t seem to naturally fit in the same sentence. But as I analyzed our problem more and more, I realized that what really is needed is for me to become a more selfish homeschooler.

You see, homeschooling takes a huge time commitment as we do it. We take a delight directed learning approach, and in Scout’s case, this means I create a literature rich history curricula specifically for him. I spend the spring and summer reading stacks and stacks of books, trying to find the best for each time period. I create tests and essay exams for all he will read, as he needs both as part of his portfolio and for his high school diploma program.

I create Excel spreadsheets, dividing the work into a CM style, adding in all his other subjects. I’ve taught him how to use a weekly planner. I write and post his assignments, broken down into parts, each with its own deadline. I put post-it reminders on his computer to help him remember these approaching deadlines. Besides his lessons, we also have consistent discussions on his books from a broader historical basis. He was struggling to commit to Latin, so I am taking that with him as well (competition with me for grades is a huge motivator.)

Now, I am not wanting a pat on the back for any of this. I only share it because some folks thought I was being a little too demanding in expecting him to meet a few deadlines throughout the year for papers and projects. He’s a great kid after all, and to that I agree. But that is just not enough for me.

In some great emails with my dear friend JoVe, I have explained my “Eureka” moment over this entire issue. I am just going to paste excepts of it here to share:

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While I try to give him every opportunity for a great educational experience, I cannot make him want to take advantage of it. Again, I only ask for 4-5 hour a day of school work from him total. He is only willing to do 3 hours, and that is just not acceptable for a high schooler. It may appear that I am overloading him with work, but it really is far from the case. Yet, he will play 12 hours of videos and be irritated when I ask him to do a chore of carrying his laundry down. It really is ridiculous.

The truth is this is a LOT about me. I am forty, and finally becoming a woman who values herself and her time. I am becoming a lot more selfish with how I spend it, and I often feel that with him, I am wasting a lot of effort that would be better spent elsewhere. I would rather focus on the student who is eager to learn, my hobbies and friends, and work on my book than have yet another argument with him about the same crap. I have realized that he is just not emotionally ready to work, and while it is a shame, it is really okay with me.

What is not okay with me is the expectation that I will continue to expend so much effort doing everything I do if he is not going to meet me halfway. This is where the resentment comes in, and I don’t want to resent him. I love him dearly, and think that if I wasn’t responsible for his educational planning, I would not take his lack of ambition so personally. I could just let him be, and not feel as if there was always something else I could try.

He and I had a nice chat over lunch today where I expressed this to him. I see him struggle, because he really loves the history based curriculum and his chosen course of study. He admits that I don’t ask that much of him, yet for some reason he can’t quite figure out , he has this little voice in the back of his head telling him it is just me and not really that important. I asked if there was anything more that I could do to help, and he admitted that I did more than enough. We talked about maturity and responsibility, and I told him I needed him to stop acting like a child, especially when he wants to have so many adult priveledges.

He now has a few more months to start performing without problems, or he has chosen cyber charter school by default. He was closer to owning his behavior than he has been, but he still has problems with phrases like “taking the easy road” or “laziness.” This shows me he knows what he should be doing, and is not truly without care. It is up to him to work it out now. “

Like all relationships, all parties need to work toward success. He needs to realize that in life, there are consequences that come from lack of effort. While some may choose to continually martyr themselves and their families, I am choosing to be selfish. I am telling my entire family that I value myself and my efforts, even though I will never earn a dime from them. I think I am worthy of respect. I also think they, even as children, have a responsibility to themselves and to me as their educator. I am doing them no favors by letting them go through life without any accountablity.

This may be one of the best lessons I have ever taught them….