Homeschooling the Non-Ambitious

I can spend hours perusing homeschooling blogs, a pleasant distraction during my frequent bouts of insomnia. I am inspired by many motivated self-starters that are involved in wonderful projects and interesting study. I am especially in tune to stories of high schoolers who design their own curricula around their interests, and seek out free reading and educational activities for themselves. I read of those who homeschool only to indulge their passion of sport or music.

I read, and read, and wonder….where did I go wrong? That is not my high schooler. While he is a wonderful friendly and good-hearted boy, he has NONE of what these kids have. He would sleep until noon if I let him, rush through his school work in 3.5 hours with the least effort passible and then waste the rest of the day. He doesn’t pick up books, though claims to love reading. Doesn’t practice his guitar more than twice a week, and rarely without being told. He has no hobbies. Doesn’t have a passion for any of the dozen of so sports he has tried, and doesn’t exercise without force. The only part of his body that is in shape are his hands, from spending so much time on Playstation or clicking a mouse.

I have been distressed by this for almost two years, but my husband and I have been at major odds on this issue. I worry about his lack of interesting in anything that doesn’t have a controller. Big Daddy feels that he is a good kid and will grow out of it, and I worry too much. I keep waiting for a change, but just see more and more of the same.

How do you homeschool the Non-Ambitious? I am facing the point where this is a serious question. Last weekend, we had another meeting. Scout is ignoring deadlines. Deadlines that are now typed up and hung in various points of the house. He had been working on a research paper since January, and did well with his deadlines through his rough draft. He got sick, and I gave him a two week extension to type up his final. That came and went.

At our meeting, he used said illness as the excuse. Big Daddy reminded him that he still found time to go to two birthday parties (one a sleep over), Scouts, camping, and hang out with his girlfriend, so he was certainly well enough to type a paper. We addressed other items that he has not met on schedule for science. Again, he “just forgot” or “didn’t understand my directions.” He says he will do better. Each and every time.

So, he types for an hour, and brings me a paper. In 16 point type set. Does he really think that I am blind, or just stupid? Seriously! We have another meeting, and he swears I never specified 12 pt type (as I have always had). Big Daddy is about to give him the benefit of the doubt when I pulled out Girlie’s term paper, handed in on time and in 12pt type.

Forced with the plain logic that if one got it right, it might not be the teacher…Scout admits he changed it because just couldn’t think of anything else to write. I asked if he considered looking for more sources, and he told me that I only said five sources were necessary. Big Daddy points out that five was the minimum, and that common sense would have you look further when those you have are exhausted. His response, “I didn’t want to do anymore.” Laziness again beats out logic. He spends the rest of the day researching and finds a wealth of information, adding it to his paper to meet the requirments.

The dilemma as a teacher and a parent is how do you get a handle on such bad habits? There are deadlines in real life, and our children need to learn how to meet them. There are also reprecussions for not meeting them in real life. We are doing him no favors in enabling his bad habits. College is soon approaching, and he needs to understand that he needs to earn both entrance and his degree. Since we will be paying ourselves, it is not a wise financial risk if Scout does not show some maturity and commitment.

For the longest time, my husband and I disagreed with how to address this problem, but we are finally in the same book (if not the same page). We, as parents, have come to an agreement that he will have to be graded according to performance, with no more extensions or second-chances. If he ends up getting C’s or worse, they will be on his transcript.

As a teacher, I imagine it must be disappointing to give low grades to students with great promise and potential. As a homeschooling mother, it is painful. I realize that each mark could potentially translate into non-acceptance into his school’s of choice. Yet, I also know that I have given him every chance, every reminder, and cannot force him to perform to his ability. This is compounded by the problems in our relationship as a constant lack of ownership of his own problems would make me the cause of all his future failures. (it’s easier to blame anyone other than yourself!)

I realize so much is his lack of maturity. At the same time, I cannot coddle him forever, for he needs to learn self-discipline. I am frankly tired of nagging, and as his younger sister becomes more of a self-starer, I realize just how much little remembering he does on his own. He needs to get the greater understanding that goals need action in order to become reality.

I am also going to set up meetings with him with one of the assistant scout masters and writing teacher at learning center. He respects both greatly, and I do as well. I am hoping that through these meetings he can see that academic performance now is important to future success. I realize that he has major difficulty accepting that I may know what I am talking about in these matters would be aided if others he respected echoed the same things.

I know that a lot of other personality issues are at play here, and from a purely selfish level, I am tired of the struggle. I see how this constant battling with him about academics is not only negative for our relationship, but it is really negative for our family. While the men seem to feel there is should be a way to delineate between my role as parent and teacher, I cannot find a such a simple line. I find it hard to not be angry that he is so blatantly disrespecting me as a teacher. I feel badly that I am unable to follow a more unschooling lifestyle with Girlie. Most of all, I am constantly striving to change those parts of my life that cause me the most stress.

I have made a difficult decision that unless Scout begins following directions and meeting deadlines for me as he does for his teacher’s at learning center, this will be my last year homeschooling him. We have a great deal of choice in cyber charter schools in our state, and while he will not get a personalized education, he will have others to answer to besides me. Our relationship can go back to being parent and child. While he does not like this idea because “I’m going to have to do a lot more work”, he is being given one last chance to choose to be in control of his education.