The challenge of step-parenting

I have been struggling with myself a great deal this last week, and decided that I have to keep it real, and maybe blogging about it will have a cathartic effect.

Many folks will say that parenting is the hardest job in the world, and still others will say that homeschooling is the hardest. I have to admit that for me, being a step-parent that homeschools is the hardest job of all. It is a constant cycle of drama, joy, and heartbreak.

The Story….

My introduction to step-parenting was not the gradual pleasant baby steps one would expect as best for the child. Scout was not quite two when I first met him, and we played cars together. I fell immediately in love with him. We saw each other a few times over the next few months, but his mother was venomous toward me and I didn’t want to stress him unduly. She has major issues with emotional instability, compounded with a selfishness and violent temper. She is crass and pushy, and she bullies people to get her way all the time. I knew to tread lightly for his sake.

Yet, I was carrying his little sister, and he was excited about that. He was always a Daddy’s boy, and spent as much time as possible with him, or with his Mom-Mom (paternal). Girlie’s birth set his mother off, and coincided with Scout’s first really bad bout of bronchitis. His mom dropped him off with us claiming “she had too much going on to deal with it,” so I was not only a first time mom, but nursing a sick toddler for the first time.

This pattern quickly established itself, as it was easier for us to take care of Scout whenever she was stressed, busy, or tired. I did it gladly as I knew he was far better off with us, and the evidence was in his weekly tears as he had to go there for his three day visit. All the while we had him more and more , we still paid full custody, as he mattered more than the money.

At almost four years old, we had him for five weeks straight, after the birth of her second child. He was sick–grey and malnourished, when he moved in, so much so that he gained four pounds in five weeks of healthy meals and rest! And oh ,was he happy, begging to live with us all the time and not have to go back to her. It broke our hearts.

He went back for only two days, when she had such a violent outburst and Big Daddy brought him home to us, for good. She needed treatment and medication, and Scout needed stability and love. I enrolled him in a local preschool the next day.

I wish I could tell you that she got the medical help she needed and transformed in to a loving, stable parent and we all got along well. While she has been heavily medicated for years, she is still selfish, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. She hurts and punishes Scout consistently, and has made every aspect of raising him a cause for argument.

As a stepmom who loves him dearly, it has been very difficult. I am all about parenting and work so hard to give my kids the best at all times. I happily sacrifice, more than they will probably ever know. I love our family and life together…except that she is still a thorn in my side. I did everything to raise him, yet constantly had to deal with harassment from this selfish woman who did nothing. It has been more difficult than you can imagine.

You see, she has never done positive things for him, and never tried to build a relationship with him. We don’t hear from her unless there is a problem, or she is trying to change visits. When she had regular weekend visitation schedules, she got a weekend job and had him with a sitter the whole time.
If he made the mistake of referring to me as “Mom” she would go ballistic on him and begin another round of name calling and emotional torment. The kid was on eggshells his entire visit. He would return an emotional mess, crying and sobbing and angry.

The worst part of all was Scout’s unquenchable desire for her to be a good mom. He struggled so with the reality of how she was, and the reality of how she should be. He would fly between clinging closeness to me to angry hostility. He would be jealous and mean to Girlie, and then angry at his mother. Yet, one phone call about a movie or event with her sent his emotions in a whirlwind. As he sat, waiting for a promise that was going to be broken like all the others, he was crushed and confused. There have been more than a few birthdays where he jumped at every ring of the phone, only to be disappointed because she was “too busy” to call. All the while, I did the best I could to care for him and make up for her neglect.

How you can be so callous to the heart of a little boy, to play emotional games and punish him like she has over and over? She has chosen not support him emotionally or financially either. We chose to not pursue her lack of payment as a means of limiting her control in our choices for his life, since she is unable to clearly make decisions based on the best thing for Scout.

The years have brought about more distance and less drama from her. It has been very hard for me to be civil to her, because I am a Mama Bear, and she is always screwing with my cub. But I try, God do I try, for his sake. Scout has matured enough to realize her track record, and her selfishness, and her disinterest. He isn’t so desparate any longer, and does try to make the best of it. Yet, he still hopes, still looks at each phone call as a possible sign of change.

Last week, his stepfather (who is a pretty decent guy) offered to take him along on their family vacation this year. This is huge, because he has only been invited on two of the yearly trips in twelve years. I am happy that he is going to get a chance to go to Mexico in April. But I am already seeing the signs of inner conflict in him. The dream that somehow she has had a personality transplant and will be sweet, concerned, and loving to him for ever and ever is flickering behind his eyes.

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This is the hardest part of the job of being a homeschooling step-parent….the fact that nothing I can do will ever fill that crater in his heart that her violence wrought. I know logically that it isn’t about me, but at that solely human level, it breaks my heart each and every time he allows himself to dream, only to get crushed again. And since I am his teacher, too, I get more than a fair share of witnessing his wistful dreaming and disdain.

My insecurity and arrogance scream out…”Why do you even care? Haven’t I done everything for you?” I am not just parenting him, doing his laundry, taking him to activities and caring for him when sick. I am HOMESCHOOLING him, and commiting all my heart and energies into helping him have the best possible education and lifestyle I can. I love him and cry with him and do all I know, but it is never enough.

Then, despite myself, I start throwing up walls around my heart again , and around Girlie, to protect us from the upcoming backlash when he is forced to admit reality again. He wants so much what she and I have that it eats away at him. Why can’t he see it is there for him, all of it, but from me? Why does he buy into his mother’s constant claim that giving birth makes him more hers than mine? How can he not see that I want him “more” because I love him as I do and do all this even though there are not biological ties?

It is a constant challenge to fight nature and ignore your feelings and anger. Every few months, there is an incident when she acts interested in his life. Then there is a huge disappointment and all it brings. We spend months getting back to a place of trust and closeness and happiness, only to have it happen all over again. I am just so sick of the cycle.

This time, I am ashamed to say that I snapped at him when he started the “what-ifs” again. I am tired, oh so tired, of it all. I told him to stop turning everything into something it is not. I told him it is “just a trip, from his stepfather. The invitation is not evidence that your mother is transformed into a different person. Don’t set yourself up to be hurt again.”

He was hurt that I said this. WHile I hate hurting him, I think it is time for him to be in charge of his emotions a bit more, instead of a victim to her whims. I hugged him and told him that I loved him, but it killed me to watch him keep doing this to himself. I asked him to try just once to take things at face value. History shows that it is unlikely she will change.

For years, the easiest thing to do was to hate her. Or to be mad at Big Daddy for his hands off attitude (I can’t control what goes on there). Trust me, there is more than enough hate and anger for both of them on this issue. But I refuse to own their issues with dysfunction in this.

But this has now been going on over a decade, and it really about Scout and my relationship. My sympathy for his situation let me give him more power over all our lives with his reactions. But I find he is old enough and smart enough now to make some changes, and if not, I can no longer allow it to effect the rest of us as it has.

These are the times when I am so thankful that Girlie is able to articulate her gratitude and love for me. Someday I hope Scout will be able to do that same and really mean it, without making me feel like a nice substitute.